Anxiety

 I am beginning #BlogChatterA2Z2023 with something that has been holding me in its grip for quite some time now. I can't seem to come out of it and hence this is more like a personal challenge. 

Anxiety - that keeps gnawing at my guts, to do anything, anything at all. 

I didn't even know what it was. Sure, I knew the word meaning and have heard people speak of it. I even watched an entire series that focused on issues relating to anxiety, but I never knew what it felt like until it affected me. It still does. Well, not always. It did in ways that may have badly influenced my performance at different occasions, which makes it relevant enough to write about. Take this challenge, for instance. This is only the first blog post, and I was already anxious enough to give up, let alone try. When my teacher and dear friend Tomichan sir asked me to register, I was not willing to. But something inside me said that this might be it. This might be the solution to relieve myself from the grip, to know myself better.

I am at a phase of life where I doubt myself in everything I do, and with each doubt follows a panic attack. It is not as bad as it sounds, but I can feel it engulf me at times. I get tensed before exams (even basic test-papers), I cry before giving a speech, I feel restless while listening to songs, and not to mention, competitions. Anxiety has defeated me in every speaking competition I participated in the past year or so. The worst part, however, is that I have given in, every time. 

I think most of what affects me is not the feeling of inability - that I can't do it, but the feeling that I can't do it with people around. I guess the post-lockdown part of me is not too good with people. Cruz Ramirez from the movie Cars 3 can give a better explanation, "When I got to my first race, I figured it out, that I didn't belong. The other racers looked nothing like me. They were bigger and stronger and so confident. When they started their engines, that was it. I knew I'd never be a racer. I just left. It was my one shot, and I didn't take it. "

I am not going to leave, though. This is my 'one shot' and I have taken it, posing a warning sign to my inner rival. I have taken the first step. I don't know if I will be able to complete #BlogChatterA2Z2023, but then again, I never thought I'd be taking it up in the first place. So, I guess I'm in for a surprise! 

To an adventure! 

This post is a part of  #BlogChatterA2Z 2023.

Next post: Books and Reading